Joey Chestnut hates me

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. Shame on you, Joey Chestnut.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Two times in my life have I been invested in the performance of the greatest eater in the history of mankind. Both times, I was led astray and left unsatisfied.

I don’t even think I have ever watched the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Not that I’m anti-competitive eating, but it’s on the Fourth of July, and I’m usually busy with stuff that day. I recalled last year Chestnut set the all-time record in hot dog munching, so I checked the numbers. Seventy-four dogs in 10 minutes.

Pretty impressive. As a gamblin’ man, I had to check out what we were dealing with in the slowest time in sports. The over/under for Chestnut was 73.5. Just do exactly what you did last year and I’ll be making a couple bucks. Not only that, but he posted “74? Take the over!” When an athlete like him tells me to bet something, I do it without questions.

The result? Seventy-one dogs consumed. Disappointing, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. Sometimes you lose in the gambling game.

But this is not the first time Chestnut crossed me.

Let’s go back to December 2, 2017 in Indianapolis, Indiana - the site of the Big Ten Championship Game between Wisconsin and Ohio State (did you hear about the time I almost got punched later that night? Read all about it.).

Not only was there a football game set to be played, but the St. Elmo’s Shrimp Cocktail Eating Championship was held hours before the game outside Lucas Oil Stadium.

The year prior, Chestnut set a new record with 15 pounds of shrimp. I show up, and he disappoints the crowd with a 10-pound performance. That sounds like a small snack for him. How much shrimp did he slam down his throat last year?

Eight. Teen. Freak. In. Pounds.

The man nearly doubled his shrimp eating the year after I showed up to watch him perform.

Chestnut set the hot dog record the year before I bet on him. And he set the all-time shrimp record the year before I was in attendance and again after. Maybe I’m reading into this too much, but this seems like a personal attack on me.

Joey Chestnut is a true legend in his field and the greatest of all time but after what he put me through the past two years, I just might be looking for Kobayashi to make a comeback at this point.

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